Signs Of An Abusive Relationship

Teen dating violenceAll relationships have there ups and downs, but there are certain types of behavior in any relationship that are unacceptable and abusive.  If you think that your partner is abusive, or you suspect that someone you know is in an abusive relationship, review the information below.  Recognizing the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step to breaking free.

What is relationship abuse?

Relationship abuse is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner.  An abusive relationship means more than being hit by the person who claims to love or care about you.  Abuse can be emotional, psychological, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation and intimidation.  Abuse tends to escalate over time.  When someone uses abuse and/or violence against a partner, it is always part of a larger pattern to try to control him/her.

Self-test: Is your relationship abusive?

Do you wonder if your relationship may be abusive?  Ask yourself the questions below.  The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

Does your partner:

— humiliate, insult, criticize, demean or yell at you?
— ignore or put down your thoughts, feelings or accomplishments?
— treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends and family to see?
— blame you for all the problems in your relationship, or for his/her own
abusive behavior ?
— see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
— act excessively jealous and possessive?
— control where you go or what you do?
— keep you from seeing your friends or family?
— check up on you all of the time to see where you are, what you’re doing and who you
are with?
— accuse you without good reason of being unfaithful or flirting?
— limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
— have a bad and unpredictable temper?
— destroy your belongings or things you value?
— hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
— threaten to take your children away or harm them?
— threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
— force you to have sex?

Do you:

— feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
— avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
— feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
— believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
— wonder if you’re the one who is going crazy?
— feel increasingly trapped or powerless?
— feel emotionally numb or helpless?

What to do if you’re being abused

If you are in an abusive relationship, you may feel confused, afraid, angry and/or trapped.  What should you do?  The following information can help.  Obviously, the level of your response will depend on the degree of seriousness with which the abuse is inflicting emotional or physical injury.

 1. Acknowledge the reality of abuse.

The first step toward changing things is recognizing that your situation is abusive.  Even if your partner says he/she cares about you and you care about your partner, it’s not okay to be put down, pushed around, scared or intimidated into things that make you feel uncomfortable, unhappy or unsafe, just because you are in a relationship.  And it is never okay for your partner to use physical violence.  Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

2. Meet with a professional therapist or counselor.

For your health and safety, and the security of any children who may be involved, it is vitally important that you utilize the help of a professional therapist or counselor who can help you assess your situation and advise you with solid principles and practical information.  You may need to go several times to address the variety of issues that may be involved in your relationship.

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Too Much Sitting Is Hazardous To Your Health

Too Much Sitting Is Bad For Your HealthAccording to the latest medical research, hours of uninterrupted sitting can be bad for your health.

—  A study from the American Cancer Society reported that the more leisure time people spent sitting was associated with a higher risk of death.  Women who reported sitting for more than six hours per day were about 40% more likely to die during the course of the 14-year study than those who sat for fewer than three hours per day.  Men were about 20% more likely to die.

—  A study published in the American Journal of Epidemiology showed that sitting for long stretches, more than six hours a day, can make someone at least 18% more likely to die from diabetes, heart disease and obesity than those sitting less than three hours a day.

—  Even if you exercise for 30 minutes a day, five days per week, it may not be enough to counteract the effects of too much sitting during the rest of the day.  If you exercise for 30 minutes and sleep for eight hours, that still leaves 15.5 hours in the day.  If you have a sedentary job and engage in sedentary activities after work, you are sitting a lot more than moving.

—  Health experts say the key to staying healthier is to integrate movement into your day as much as possible.  The human body is made to move.  When you sit for an extended period of time, your body starts to shut down at the metabolic level, negatively influencing things like triglycerides, high density lipoprotein, cholesterol, fasting plasma glucose, resting blood pressure, and leptin, all of which are biomarkers of obesity, cardiovascular disease and other diseases.

How to sit less and move more at work

If you find yourself sitting for hours on end, interrupt your patterns.  Stand up, move around and get your blood flowing for at least a few minutes every hour.  Other suggestions:

—  Switch to a stand-up desk
—  Stand or move around when talking on the phone
—  Walk to a colleague to talk rather than sending an email
—  Hold a walking meeting with a colleague
—  Take the stairs instead of the elevator
—  Move your trash can or printer further away from your desk so you need to get off your chair to access them
—  Increase your walking. Buy a pedometer and build up to 10,000 steps per day

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Better Communication With Your Teen

Mother and teen conversations can prevent harmful drinking behaviorDo you feel like your teen just doesn’t want to talk to you?  Do you sometimes feel so estranged from your teen that you don’t know how to talk to them anymore or what to talk to them about?  Below are suggestions to help improve your communication (and your relationship) with your teen:

  1. Listen to your teen. Listening is an act of love.  Listening to your teen with your undivided attention and concentration demonstrates to your teen that you love and care for them.
  1. Listen for understanding. The teen years are a time of turmoil and change.  This is a time when your child needs you more than ever to be there for them.  By listening, you can better understand the issues of importance to your child and the problems and challenges they may be facing.  The more you understand your teen’s challenges and feelings, the better you will be able to help them.
  1. Improve your listening skills. Most people need to learn how to listen with their undivided attention.  Follow the guidelines below to improve your listening skills:
  • Give your child your full attention.
  • Maintain eye contact with your child.
  • Concentrate on what your child is saying.
  • Nod your head occasionally to show your involvement without interrupting.
  • Don’t change the subject.  Let your child lead the conversation.
  • Do more listening than talking.
  1. Be patient. Being uncommunicative is very common for teens.  Understand that meaningful talks with your teen will occur when they are ready to talk to you, not when you approach them.  If your child does not want to talk, you need to respect that.  You can keep the lines of communication open by saying, “Okay, but I’m here when you need me to listen.”  Remember, when they do open up, focus on being a good listener.
  1. Avoid nagging and lecturing. Nobody likes to be nagged or lectured to, especially on a regular basis.  A steady stream of nagging, lecturing and negative criticism will stifle communication with your teen.  Instead focus on being encouraging, supportive and positive.
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The Benefits Of Marriage Counseling

The Benefits Of Marriage Counseling

Better Communication For CouplesThe largest, most comprehensive study of couple therapy ever conducted reports that therapy can help even very distressed married couples if both partners want to improve their marriage.  The UCLA study included 134 married couples who were “chronically, seriously distressed” and fought frequently, but were hoping to improve their marriage.  Treatment included up to 26 therapy sessions within a year.  Five years after treatment ended, about a third of the couples described themselves as normal, happy couples, while another 16 percent said their marriage was significantly improved and was tolerable, if not very happy.  The key to improvement?  For therapy to work, both partners have to be strongly committed to saving the marriage, and both need to be willing to do their share to work at the relationship and not just blame the other, the study authors said.

How can marriage counseling help?

Marriage counseling – also known as couples counseling – is generally provided by licensed therapists known as marriage and family therapists.  These therapists provide the same mental health services as other therapists, but with a specific focus – a couple’s relationship.

Couples counseling affords you and your partner numerous ways to bring about change that you would not normally know how to accomplish on your own.  It provides a safe and supportive environment for you to identify and communicate the issues, feelings and behaviors that are bothering you, to facilitate understanding and positive change.  A qualified marriage and family therapist can provide instruction, coaching and feedback to help you develop new skills to improve your marriage, including:

— Learning ways to communicate better

— Learning how to argue in a healthier way

— Learning how to resolve conflict and problem solve in a productive manner

— Learning appropriate expression, disclosure and resolution of painful emotions

— Learning how to state your needs clearly and openly within your relationship

— Learning how to work through unresolved issues

— Learning how to negotiate for change within your relationship

Seek help early

Marriage therapists recommend that distressed couples seek help earlier.  Many couples who get divorced either do not go to therapy, or go much too late after one partner has already given up on the relationship.  Couples are often better served by starting therapy when they “get stuck in negative patterns that they can’t get out of on their own,” the study authors concluded.

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Tips To Help You Successfully Change Habits

Tips to Increase HappinessDid you know that experts say it takes 21 days to break an old habit and form a new healthier habit?  If you’ve tried and failed at a New Year’s resolution, you can try again using the help of the suggestions below:

  1. Write down your goal. There is magic in the written word when it applies to you.  Experts recommend stating your goal in positive terms, such as “I want to be lean and physically fit,” instead of “I’ve got to get this flabby body out there huffing and puffing.”  So, begin with writing down, as a positive goal, the habit you will change.
  2. List your reasons for changing or eliminating your habit. Writing it down will force you to think out in specific terms what this habit represents in your life and the meaning you believe your life will hold for you upon changing the habit.  This will also help with your commitment toward taking positive action.
  3. List possible obstacles. What are the possible obstacles that will keep you from achieving your goal? List everything that is stopping you now.  What are your inadequacies?  What do you need to achieve your goal that you don’t already have?  Why aren’t you there already?
  4. Write a plan to overcome each obstacle. List your action steps 1…2…3…etc. for each obstacle. Be as specific as possible.  What will it take for you to overcome each obstacle that is blocking you from what you want?
  5. Follow your plan for 21 days. Determine the date you are planning on changing your habit. Count ahead 21 days on the calendar and mark that date down.  Now, make a commitment that you will follow your plan for 21 days.
  6. Sustain your motivation. Follow these suggestions each day to sustain motivation:
    – Review your list of reasons for quitting or changing.
    – Create mental pictures of yourself as having already achieved your habit change.
    – Make affirmations, positive self-statements about your habit change.  For example,
    “I am filled with so much health and vitality now that I exercise four times a week.”
    – Remember to take it one day at a time.  If you do backslide, don’t label yourself as
    having failed.  Get out your list of reasons for quitting or changing and begin again.
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How To Minimize Holiday Stress

Share Holiday Responsibilities to Avoid StressWith all of the extra demands and expectations we place on ourselves during the holidays, it’s easy to get “stressed out.”  Follow the tips below to help ease holiday stress and help you enjoy a meaningful and happy holiday season:

  • Set a financial budget for the holidays and stick to it –  Not just for gift giving, but for the top-dollar amount you can afford to spend for everything including gifts, big family dinners, wrapping paper, decorations, parties, etc.  Plan what you will spend in advance, to avoid “impulse buying” and overspending.
  • Budget your time as well as your money –  Avoid the stress of last-minute shopping and preparations.  Plan ahead.  Make a “To Do” list and prioritize what has to be done.  Set aside some time each day to accomplish scheduled holiday tasks.
  • Keep holiday plans realistic –  Don’t overload yourself.  It’s not necessary to attend every family, social or religious celebration that comes along.  When allotting your limited time, choose quality over quantity.  Learn to say “no” gently but firmly to social events that are over your limit.
  • Delegate responsibility –  Share the shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. responsibilities with others.  Have family members draw lots from a hat or use the “grab-bag” system to assign tasks such as putting up the tree, outdoor decorations, cookie baking, gift wrapping, etc.  Set time goals for each assignment.  Let family members know in advance when things need to be completed.  
  • Factor in changed circumstances –  Are you recently laid off, newly divorced, grieving a recent death?  Now’s the time to “keep it simple.”  Keep the demands on your time, energy, emotions and wallet to a minimum.  It’s “okay” to pass up an activity if you’re not feeling up to it at this time.  
  • Take care of yourself –  Avoid overindulgence of holiday food, alcohol or caffeine.
    Be sure to get adequate sleep and give yourself some time for rest or renewal each day.
  • Don’t forget the after holiday blues –  There are many tasks no one wants to be responsible for, but they still have to be done.  For example taking down the Christmas tree or putting away holiday decorations.  Have a “tree-taking-down party.”
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3 Strategies To Help You Leave Job Stress At Work…And Be A Better Partner And Parent At Home

Are your relationships at home strained because you often arrive home from work too stressed or exhausted to be a good partner or parent?  The positive strategies below can help you leave job stress at work and be the kind of caring partner and parent at home that your family needs and deserves.

  1. Before arriving home, give yourself a “time out.” Five or ten minutes before you walk into your home, give yourself a much-needed time out.  Stop the car a block away from your home or close your eyes on the bus, train, or subway to find a moment of serenity.  Then take a few moments to breathe, pray, meditate, or talk silently to yourself about the fact that the people you are about to meet in a few minutes (your partner and/or your kids) are more important than any client, customer, supplier, boss, or work colleague you’ve dealt with all day.  Even if your work-focused brain wants to take your loved ones for granted, this is the moment when you can once again realize they are the most important people in your life right now.
  2. Make a daily promise to yourself. Instead of tuning out your loved ones or having a short fuse during family time, shift your mindset from work mode to family life by consciously deciding to be fully “present” for your family when you arrive home. Make a promise to yourself each day to be the caring, interested and relaxed partner or parent your loved ones deserve, rather than being impatient, disinterested and stressed out.  Complement your commitment to be fully present for your family by learning and practicing healthy methods to increase relaxation, dissipate stress and lift your mood.
  3. Set guidelines for positive communication. When you sit down to talk with your partner after work, set some guidelines that will allow the two of you to have a good check-in conversation.  One helpful guideline is for you to take turns (10 to 15 minutes for each partner) sharing and listening about each other’s day. Instead of having one person go into a 60-minute monologue where the other person is struggling not to tune out or interrupt, with this guideline both of you will have a chance to be heard and understood each night no matter how stressful your days have been.  This guideline of “ten minutes for each person so we both get a turn” is a remarkable way to restore balance and closeness in your relationship.
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Better Sleep: Bedtime Do’s and Don’ts

Tips for Healthy SleepThe Better Sleep Council reports that one of every two people will experience a sleep problem sometime in their life.  However, not all the news is bad.  In fact, most experts concur that the majority of sleep difficulties are either caused or reinforced by our own behaviors and daily habits.  Late meals, too much coffee, an irregular schedule, mulling over the next day’s problems or plans while in bed, can spark sleeplessness.

Guidelines For Better Sleep

Getting a good night’s rest begins long before you get into bed.  The following tips, compiled from current research, will help you get the most out of your hours in bed:

* DO stay away from stimulants.  Coffee, tea, colas, chocolate and some medications contain caffeine which stimulates the central nervous system and increases blood pressure and heart rate.  Note: It takes three hours for one cup of coffee to leave your system.

* DON’T smoke, especially before bed.  The nicotine in cigarettes is a stimulant.  Research shows smokers take longer to fall asleep and wake up more often during the night than nonsmokers.

* DO retire at regular hours.  An erratic schedule can cause problems such as “Sunday night insomnia.”  This problem often occurs to people who stay up late and sleep late on weekends and then try to switch back to their usual bedtime to prepare for Monday morning.

* DON’T eat heavily before going to bed.  Forcing your digestive tract to work overtime interferes with sleep.

* DO exercise regularly.  Sleep is facilitated by relaxation and exercised muscles relax more easily.  However, don’t exercise immediately before bed.  Allow yourself at least an hour to cool down after a workout.

* DON’T use alcohol to induce sleep.  A nightcap can lull you to sleep, but alcohol typically produces light, unsettled sleep.

* DO get into a relaxing bedtime routine.  Start letting down about an hour before bedtime: read, listen to music or take a warm bath (not a hot bath, which is actually invigorating).

* DON’T get your mind racing before bed.  Set aside time for thinking and planning several hours before bedtime.

* DO make sure your sleeping environment promotes relaxation and sleep.  Your bedroom should be quiet, dark and at the proper temperature – in the mid 60s.

* DON’T use your bedroom as an office.  This environment will discourage restful thoughts.

* DO use imagery or other techniques to put yourself to sleep.  Counting sheep is the oldest trick in the book for a simple reason…it works.  According to research, this technique distracts both sides of the brain with soothing, repetitive activity.  As you count the woolly animals leaping through your mind, you literally bore yourself to sleep.

* DON’T take sleeping pills; they induce less restful sleep and can cause serious problems.  Oftentimes, the person relying on sleeping pills is left with his/her original insomnia, plus a drug problem.

NOTE: If you suffer from chronic or severe insomnia, visit your doctor or a sleep disorders clinic to see if there is an underlying medical condition.




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4 Tips To Decrease Emotional Overeating

Tips to Decrease Emotional OvereatingAccording to a recent survey by the American Psychological Association, almost half of Americans (48 percent) reported overeating or eating unhealthy foods to manage stress.  Many people use food to fill emotional needs, contributing to overeating and being overweight.  Do you use food to:

— relax or calm your nerves?
— comfort yourself?
— numb yourself from emotional pain such as sadness, hopelessness, rejection, or anger?

Tips and strategies

If you’re prone to emotional overeating, you can take steps to regain control.  Below are tips and strategies to help decrease this unhealthy habit:

  1. Learn to recognize true hunger versus emotional eating. If you ate just a few hours ago and don’t have a rumbling in your stomach, you’re probably not really hungry. When you feel the urge to eat, get in the habit of asking yourself, “Is it physical hunger or is it emotional or stress-driven hunger?”
  2. Know your triggers. Use a food diary to identify when and why you eat for emotional reasons. Keep an accurate record for at least one week of what you eat, how much you eat, how you’re feeling and how hungry you are.  Ask yourself: What happened today to make me feel this way?  You may become aware of situations or feelings that trigger you to turn to food.
  3. Face difficult emotions and stress-producing problems head on. Work on ways to face difficult emotions and stressful situations other than reaching for food. Acknowledge and address feelings of anxiety, anger or loneliness.  Look for solutions to the difficult issues in your life.  Talk them over with a friend or counselor, or write in a journal.  Finding ways to express your feelings constructively can help clear unwanted eating patterns.
  4. Find alternative behaviors to eating. Instead of turning to food, take a walk, practice yoga or meditation, listen to relaxing music, take a warm bath, read a good book, engage in a hobby, work in your garden, treat yourself to a movie, or talk to a supportive friend. Exercise regularly and get adequate rest.  Each is proven to reduce stress, improve your mood and help control appetite.
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Tips For Controlling Your Anger

Teen dating violenceIf you have a tough time controlling your anger, you can take steps on your own to improve your anger management.  The suggestions listed below can help you get your anger under control:

— Practice deep breathing.  If you feel yourself getting angry, don’t let it build up until you have a violent outburst.  Try breathing deeply from your diaphragm in long, slow breaths, giving your heartbeat a chance to slow down.  Repeat a word such as “relax” or “calm” as you breathe.  Breathing deeply will ease your tension.

— Change your environment.  Get out of the situation if you need to.  The quickest way to uncouple yourself from a source of anger is to take a five-minute walk and get some fresh air.  The walk will help you calm down and the break can give you time to think about the cause of your anger.  Find someone to talk things over with – someone who can help you calm down and gain perspective.

— Count to ten.  Counting to ten is an anger management tip that has worked for centuries.  The Roman poet, Horace (65 – 8 BC), said, “When angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, one hundred.”  Counting to ten (or one hundred) helps you step back from an anger-provoking situation, buys time for you to examine the problem, and then decide on an effective, rational way to express your anger.

— Do something physically exerting.  Physical activity can provide an outlet for stressful emotions.  Numerous worldwide studies have documented that exercise can dissipate stress energy and improve your mood.  If you’re about to erupt, go for a brisk walk or run, a swim, lift weights or shoot baskets.

— Ask yourself this question. Before you react in anger, ask yourself: “Will the object of my anger matter ten years from now?”  Chances are, by asking this question, you will see things from a calmer perspective.

— Let go of what is beyond your control.  You can change only yourself and your responses to others, not what others do to you.  Getting angry doesn’t fix the situation and often makes you feel worse.  If someone constantly arouses your anger, focus on the troublesome situation and brainstorm solutions.

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